Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
