It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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