no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
