does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
