why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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