OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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