did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
