I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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