we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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