Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
