Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
