I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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