yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
