Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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