i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm too high and old for this...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
