how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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