dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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