This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
