I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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