Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
