Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
