My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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