I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Houston, we have a squirter
So squirting runs in the family.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
