im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
