Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
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I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
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How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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