The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
