i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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