was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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