I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
