I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
zippers are such a cool invention
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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