I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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