So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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