Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
we made out on top of his cat.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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