Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
