sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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