in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
