I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
