I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
