Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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