yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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