What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
