Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
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We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
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