drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
