I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
