I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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