you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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