I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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