a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
