Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
