i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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