When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
