On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
