Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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