how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
