So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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