I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
