shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
