Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
