So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
