if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
