Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
